Judging others, being perfect, and not being good enough

Forgive me oh readers, for I'm about to get mushy on you...sorry, but I can't help it. Please skip this entry if you feel like it, and frankly I'm a little embarassed that I'm posting it, because I hate sharing thoughts that are so personal to people who may or may not understand what I'm trying to express.
First of all these are just the thoughts in my head and not meant to be taken personally in any way to anyone. I am in no way making any accusations to any of my friends or readers, as I am just as imperfect as they are in every way. That's sort of the point.
There have been several things on my mind lately. Actually I've always been pretty passionate about them, and lately it's been on my mind again, maybe because I've been thinking a lot about my own imperfections, and also because of things I notice going on around me all the time.
Recently my religion had the General Relief Society meeting, a meeting directed mainly at the women of the church. President Monson, a man who we believe is a modern day prophet, touched up a lot on things that have been bugging me lately regarding how people judge others, and I absolutely love that he spoke about it. If you haven't had a chance to hear/read his talk, you can read it here. (Click on the word "here" in the previous sentence...it's not highlighted for some reason, but it's a link) Even if you aren't a women of the church, it's material speaks, I think to everyone.
I hear it all the time...people saying bad things about other people, because of choices they make or have made. Maybe it's the way said person handles their problems, maybe it's what they wear, how they speak, or what they look like...we live in an extremely judgmental world. It makes me particularly sad when people of my own religion, who know better say bad things about others. It makes me grit my teeth every time. It frustrates me, and it makes me sad, and even irritated. In the article I highlighted above our prophet states, " There is really NO way we can know the heart, the intentions, or the circumstances of someone who might say or do something we find reason to criticize. Thus the commandment: “Judge not.” "
I think that judging other people is an easy commandment to forget. It's easy to look at someone for the things they do, the weaknesses they have, or the choices they make and just label them as an "idiot" , "airhead" , "slut" , "Lazy" , "irresponsible", etc. Though I try not to, I have found myself guilty of criticizing others in my mind when I, myself am not perfect and have no right to do so. Why do we do it? Why do we compare ourselves to others or criticize them? What is it in our human nature that makes us think we have any right to judging what kind of human being someone else is, due to what we see in our very limited, human vision?
Bottom line is we're all on the same journey in this world. We're all on the same path...we should be helping each other. I know this sounds cheesy, but it's true so I don't really care if I sound like a cheese ball for writing it.


I read an article last night by a man who, even though does not have the same religious beliefs as I do, wrote about what he calls "The disease of Perfection", and how we, as a society are so desperate to be perfect and not be judged negatively, while at the same time judging others, and that it's destroying us as a whole. You can read it here
(Click on the word "here" in the previous sentence...it's not highlighted for some reason, but it's a link)
and you can read for yourself and decide if I'm crazy or not for crying like a little girl the whole time I was reading it. I hate thinking about lost, and sad people in the world who have nobody to turn to and are so afraid of either not appearing perfect, or being judged...and judging themselves, not willing to forgive themselves for their imperfections and try and move on. It's so easy for us not to face our weaknesses because it would mean admitting that we have them, which we don't want to. That's why I served a mission. I wanted people to know that they had worth, that there was hope, and that they were not alone. If it wasn't for the concepts of the gospel I would have easily been hindered just as badly as the people that the author mentions in the above article.
When I was 19, I lived away from home and my parents lived in an entirely different state. For the first time, if I didn't feel like going to church, I didn't have to. If I didn't feel like going to school, I didn't have to. I was free to make my own choices without a guardian pushing me in the direction they wanted me to go. I did a lot of soul searching during that time. I was very very blessed and fortunate to be around loving friends, church leaders, visiting teachers and institute teachers that were always there for me. I was young, restless, impulsive and expressive. I wasn't the typical Utah Mormon girl. I dressed like a rock star complete with leather pants of every color, among other things. I'm sure a lot of people judged me by what I wore. What they didn't know was that I was temple worthy, read my scriptures every day, wanted to serve a mission, already served in the institute of religion council, and even though I wasn't endowed, I went and performed baptisms in the temple every week before school. I loved the Lord. I was judged on both sides...some people thought bad things about me because of the clothing I chose to wear at the time, others were shocked to discover how "churchy" I really was, because I was "too cool" (which I think meant "laid back" in their language) to be so passionate about my religion. Like I said though, I was very blessed to have a lot of good people around me who didn't judge me, and by not judging me, allowed me to grow. Had my friends, leaders, and teachers treated me with disdain for some of my more frivolous choices I'm not sure I'd have progressed at all, or be where I am today. In fact I would have felt lost, and confused, allowing the adversary to tempt me into the opposite direction and make a lot of bad choices. I don't know where I'd be if it weren't for the good, unconditional people in my life at that time, and no matter where I go or what I do, I will always be grateful for them. Some of them read this blog occasionally and they know who they are. :) Because of that experience, I make a point to try and give everyone the benefit of the doubt, because like pres. Monson said, I don't know their hearts, and maybe more than anything, they need to know that other people will still treat them like human beings before they're willing to face their own weaknesses. In his words, "How can we love one another, as the Savior has commanded, if we judge each other? (On a side note, I don't dress like that anymore, mostly because my fashion sense along with my way of thinking has changed...not because I think bad people wear those things.)
Being a religious person, I strongly believe that one of the adversaries greatest and most successful weapons is making people feel bad about themselves. After all, what would impede our progression in this life more than feeling worthless and incapable? I know this is something I struggle with. I've struggled with the concept of "Not Being Good Enough" all my life. At times it really has hindered my progression in some aspects because I was so afraid of failure in the things I wanted to accomplish that I didn't even try. I don't think I'm the only person who's felt that way. I'm pretty sure that in the society we live in, most people are already aware of their imperfections, (or in denial of them) and don't need those imperfections rubbed in their faces by people who don't really know their heart. We can't help others by making them feel bad, especially if they already feel bad and we just don't know it.
I have many many weakness, and I've been thinking a lot about them lately. Wanna know some? Sometimes I have no patience with my kids and I find myself quick to reprimand them, when they're just being kids. I feel inadequate because I never finished college, and I feel like others think less of me for it. I feel guilty because I'm not as good at reading my scriptures every day, like I used to before I got married. I'm very self critical about my body, and I feel pressured to hide all my physical flaws because of it. I have a temper, and need to learn to control it. I get my feelings hurt too easily. I'm prideful. Sometimes I'm just too dang lazy to do any housework. Sometimes I feel ridiculously misunderstood because I don't know how to express myself. I'm easily distracted...with a very short attention span. I put up a lot of walls to keep people from knowing how I really feel. I struggle with listening to uplifting music. I complain too much and can be very negative sometimes. I have issues with being told what to do by other people, and I'm generally rebellious by nature because of it. I have a hard time forgiving others who have wronged me in the past. I could go on and on. I'm not trying to have a pity party on myself here, I'm embarrassed to admit some of these things where people can read them and yes, judge me, but we all struggle with weaknesses in this life and whether your weaknesses are the same as mine, it's irrelevant.
The thing is, anyone can find something wrong with everyone because we all have something wrong with us, that's why we're here...to recognize our weaknesses and overcome them. More than that...to stop thinking negatively towards others who may have weaknesses that we don't.
When I was living in Bolivia as a missionary, my companion and I came across a kid who was face down in the road in the rain, completely passed out from drinking. He was taken to a home of a lady in the neighborhood who had a son his age, and because of her generous, motherly nature, she cleaned him and dressed him in clean clothes. We helped him get home and started visiting him and teaching him about the Savior. During one of his visits, his mother, right in front of him, complained to us for a half hour about how worthless, and stupid he is, and how he's nothing but a disappointment. I can still remember the pain in his face hearing his mother speak this way about him, saying a lot of things I won't repeat. I don't know what happened, but I stood up and told her to stop. I looked her in the eye and told her that she was wrong, that he had infinite worth, that Christ knows his heart, loves him, and hasn't given up on him. I told her that he was my friend, and that it hurt me to hear her talk that way about my friend. Something happened after that visit, and the kid, who's name was Jorge, started to change. He began to see his worth. He found people who believed in him and started progressing. He even joined my religion.

I'm so glad he found hope in his life. I'm so happy he found more people who believed in him, his mother eventually came around too. On the outside he seemed like just another punk kid, and in the neighborhood he lived in, it was easy to fall into gang life at his age. It still amazes me how all he really needed was a push in the right direction because in the beginning you would have never guessed it to look at him.
That sad thing is, there are lots of people in the world who feel just as worthless and imperfect as he did, but have nobody to turn to. It's up to us as fellow human beings, and children of God to help them see their worth, instead of allowing them to feel hopeless or just write them off as just another "messed up" person.

I know I'm an imperfect person, and yes, I need to overcome my weaknesses, but at the same time I think it's important to pay attention to which voices I'm listening to. Some voices come from a higher source encouraging me to be better, and some come from the world making me feel inadequate or hopeless. I'm so thankful for the spiritual guidance I have in my life to be able to discern between the two and find peace.
I'm grateful that General conference is coming up because I love the encouragement that I feel from the general authorities when they speak. They have the pure love of Christ, and are very much aware of the every day struggles, great and small that we as children of God have. Conference always gives me motivation to be a better person, but not in a way that makes me feel bad; if anything it's in a way that feels positive, motivating, understanding, and encouraging.

Kyle the Missionary

So this is a little over a week late, but Scott's brother and my Brother in Law, Kyle went to the Missionary Training Center last week to dedicate 2 years of his life to serving the Lord. We had family in town and ate good food and had some really great, and some really enlightening conversations late into the night. Unfortunately, I was pretty terrible at taking pictures for the most part, but was still able to stop being distracted by my kids enough to at least take a few. The night before Kyle left, we all hung out at Aunt Jill's house to eat dinner and give him advice. It was a great night, and a few tears were shed while people said their goodbyes and reflected on how the Gospel, and teaching the Gospel has affected their own lives.
OF COURSE there was time to watch a Phillies game first:


...and here are a few pictures of everyone just hanging around the house:









Some of us couldn't be there, but Rob, Stephanie, and Brian were able to talk on Skype, say hello to everyone, and say their goodbye's to Kyle. I loved the way everyone gathered around the laptop to see them, I found it really endearing.



Anyway, it was great to see family, and Scott and I, who are both returned missionaries along with many in our families, are so proud of Kyle and are really excited for the opportunities he's going to have in Ecuador.

Labor day

We got together with Scott's family for labor day this week. We usually play volleyball or softball whenever we get together, but in an effort to make things a little different, we tried kick ball at aunt Jill's this time.
The girls liked the idea of kickball, at least I did. Memories of gradeschool glory days were running though my mind. Kickball with grown Itri boys is a little different than elementary though. Many injuries ensued. First of all, all the boys tried playing barefoot which turned out to be not a very good idea because thier legs and feet got red. Dan killed his foot in the process and ended up limping on it the rest of the day.
It was actually kind of fun for me though, even though I never made a home run, nor will I ever... at least all I had to do was kick. I'm good at kicking; all those years of Tae Bo are paying off! Crystal and Seth were occupied with the sand pit at the volleyball court which actually enabled me to participate more than I thought I would too. Unfortunately, they were both covered in sand from head to foot afterword. Seth had a layer of sand on his scalp that I swear was a centimeter thick. Gross! He got it in his hair, his ears, his eyelashes, his clothes, his diaper, everywhere.
Anyway the event was a "bring your own meat" event so we all cooked our own meals on the grill and watched the Phillies game afterword. Just when things were going to be fun with a campfire Seth started freaking out and Crystal was getting fiesty too...it was close to their bed time so we just went home rather than deal with what was sure to be stressful. Alas, that's the life of a responsible parent.

Dan icing his foot:


...and here's Jason examining said foot:



Meanwhile, Scott cooked hamburgers:


Seth dug the massage chair:


The boyz watching the game. A common view around Itris:


Hope everyone had a great Memorial Day.

Being spontaneous

I sleep in on Saturdays.
Every morning, Crystal, who happens to be an early riser, comes in my room and wakes me up, but on Saturday Scott is home and he is usually kind enough to wake up when the kids do in the morning and give them breakfast and help them start their day.
Yesterday he woke me up during my weekly sleep in time and told me that we were "going on an adventure"... to get dressed in outdoor clothes and bring a swimsuit.
He had a bag packed with all the kids things an everything else he wanted to bring and so I got up, got ready and we were off.
He took us south, through Spanish fork, into the canyon, past Price, and all the way to Huntington Lake. Why? Cause it was something different, and Saturdays at my house are usually boring. Usually we run errands, then come home and lounge around the house. Today Scott wanted to do something different, and it was awesome. Before I got married, I was very extremely spontaneous. Life's routines sort of take that away as the years go by, you wake up, do your morning ritual, and start the routine...change diapers, do last nights dishes, (I wait till morning) make breakfast, etc. Sometimes I have work in there too. Anyway, I'm not complaining, I don't mind it, it's nice having the security that comes with a husband who loves you and two kids who think you're the smartest most capable person alive. Who wouldn't want that? There always is a part of me though, that still likes the unexpected, so when Scott, who usually loves to have things planned out, randomly wanted to get in the car and escape the world with me for a while, I was so excited I didn't ask any questions I just got ready and jumped in the car.
Anyway, we hung out at the lake all day. The kids had a blast. For Seth, it was just like the beach (because as a 2 year old he couldn't tell the difference) and for us, it was an excuse to be outside and enjoy mother nature, and get a tan.
I'm so thankful for a husband who still likes to pull out the occasional surprise. I love watching my kids laugh and giggle outside and enjoy life, and I love having that to share with my spouse. Yesterday was a blast.



















The kids slept the whole way back. It was fantastic.



I realize that this little excursion wasn't what my single friends consider living the wild life, but for me, it was all I needed. I find fulfillment in little things, like being far away from humanity, in the sun, at a beautiful lake with the people I love most. Life is good.

Joker vs. Seth

Every time Seth eats a chocolate chip cookie. He looks like the Joker.





IT CREEPS ME OUT.

Family photos

We got together last Memorial day with Scott's family and took a bunch of pics. Kyle is going on his mission soon so this was the last time Scott's fam could all take pics together for a long time.



Here are all the Itri Boys




And here are their wives...plus Crystal. Crystal kept shrugging in her pictures which makes it look like she has no neck, but what can you do?


What a nice looking family!



Here are the three grand kids. Regan, (Son of Rob and Stephanie) Seth, and Crystal.



What kind of post would this be without the gratuitous, "look at my cute kids" shots?

Scott and I are torn over this picture. He thinks she looks like she's in pain because she looks so sad in the pic. I think it's still cute, but it does in fact, lack her smile.


This is a little more like her.


It was Seth's nap time, and boy was he a pain during the whole photo session. Trying to get him to hold still or look at the camera was like trying to peel my skin off.


We did get ONE of his smiles in one pic though.


Here are our two favorite knuckleheads. Not exactly natural smiles for either of them, but it's still them.



So on to our own little family. Again, getting our children to cooperate was difficult. This one turned out OKAY except that I'm not crazy about my kids expressions. Seth looks half normal, a little serious, but not bad. Crystal is making a weird face though. Don't know what she was doing.


Out of all the copies of my little family, I liked this one the best because we all look sort of normal. My only complaint is that the tippy top of Scott's hair is missing. What do you think? Should I still get it framed even though he's missing some hair? I'm torn.


Close to the end Seth started freaking out. He plays this game where he grabs peoples faces and squeezes their cheeks, and instead of looking at the camera man, he started goofing around playing his favorite games.


This is when BOTH of them lost it. Crystal is complaining to the cameraman that the pictures are taking too long and Seth is doing his best monster roar.


Seth is obsessed with monsters lately. I guess looking on the bright side that it's a good thing we got at least one pic of his monster roar before he grows out of it.