Life and stuff

I guess I should make an update since it's been a little while since I've talked about how our family is doing as a whole.  Overall I can't complain.  Um. Well that's not true, but I have no right to complain. So that's good enough for me. Talk to me when the 4th baby adjustment takes place and we will see.
Life is good, this pregnancy feels like it's gone faster than the others, probably because my other three babies keep me busy.  I'm worried about the stress of a newborn coming up, but also sort of accepting of the fact that it will be hard and that's okay. You gotta do what you gotta do.   I told my mom over the weekend that it will take at least another year before my life will feel manageable again, if not a year and half, but since this is my last baby it's worth the sacrifice. Actually life would be manageable right now, since Jake has become a fun loving toddler as opposed to a demanding infant.  Mostly the pregnancy is what slows things down by  making simple things like lifting, twisting, bending, walking, sleeping, standing, sitting, etc. kind of hard. Which is to be expected, it's just that I've never dealt with all that with three kids before.  Then again all this physical difficulty will be a memory at some point, so I just need to buck up and be a real woman. They displayed this picture in relief society today about "putting on the whole armor of God" as a woman.  It's a nice reminder that us women are very much warriors in our own way in this world with the things we go through:

I am WOMAN!  Roar!!!

I thought about being funny and Photoshopping my head on a warrior woman's image, but all the ones on Google images are wearing skimpy clothes, which kind of defeats the purpose.  That and I'd have to Photoshop a giant stomach onto it.  Which would still be funny actually.  Maybe another time.

I won't lie.  I worry at times about balancing 4 kids.  I'm not that worried about the demands it will take on my physical and emotional well being so much, as how it will feel for my kids to share the attention. As much as I may jokingly complain, sometimes much more than I should, but secretly I pride myself on being able to take a physical/emotional beating when necessary. I've been through enough in my life to know that I can be as tough as I need to be when the occasion arises and I don't have to prove anything to anyone...but what about my three babies? Yes, they are still "babies" to me. I want my babies to feel good through the adjustment. I want to be fair to all of them, I want them all to feel loved, I don't want any of them to feel ignored.  I don't want any of them laying on a couch with a therapist years later talking about how their mom didn't care enough about them because she was busy paying attention to their other siblings.  Crystal is my oldest, she is my only daughter, she is the princess. Seth is the oldest son and our first boy...air to Scott's throne, and will be the principal priesthood holder next to Scott in the home one day.  Honestly, I worry most about my little Jakey.  With another baby boy playing the youngest behind him and stealing his thunder, I'm worried that he will feel ignored. He's in a weird spot being between the oldest son and the youngest child.  I'm worried that out of the three boys he will feel a lack of individual attention.  Then again, anyone who knows Jake knows he fights for his fair place in every aspect of his life.  The kid does not back down when he wants or needs something from his parents or siblings. He's tough,  He is resourceful, determined, and really really smart.  The pediatrician tells me all the time that his personality traits are advanced for a kid his age. I'm guessing that's why Heavenly Father placed him third in my family, making him sort of the middle child in our group, because if anyone could handle it, he could, and the fact that he is who he is makes me feel more confident about having this new little guy in my home. Or at least feel a little better about it.  It was hard having a third, especially because that third was my most aggressive child, but in the long run it will be a blessing I think, because his personality just fits there better than anyone else's.  He is my only child who could possibly handle being the middle child and come out on top.

When this kid means business, he doesn't mess around. When he wants out of the high chair, you'd better pay attention. My dad calls this look "The Jacob stare down."

 Also he has Scott on his side.  Scott was a second son, he knows how it feels.  In my opinion Scott turned out alright.  Good enough for me to pick him as an eternal partner anyway.

With my older two kids, I used to say that it was the "terrible ones" instead of "terrible twos," because they form their independence, and individual opinions, but lack proper communication, therefore get frustrated and throw tantrums.  With Jakey though, he was hardest for his first 12 months, because he was a really fussy baby, and already surprisingly stubborn.  I can't help but wonder if he had stomach issues as well.  Now that he's a year and a half, his personality is blossoming.  He's hilarious, and he's mischievous.  He adores his Daddy, and loves to rough house.  He loves to play hide and seek, he loves it when you jump out of a hiding place and scare him, and he loves to cuddle on his parents laps. His tongue has loosened up and he is starting to speak here and there. It's always fun to hear him try and talk.  Usually there are a few understandable words mixed with his own gibberish.  He loves to laugh, and has a strong but very sneaky sense of humor, and loves to play with his siblings.  He looks up to Crystal like she's a third parent.

Watching TV with Crystal.  I love this face he makes with his bottom lip sticking out.  He does it a lot when he's thinking.

 He has become my little buddy. We've really bonded the last six months or so.  He follows me around the house whenever I try to clean and even though it slows me down, I love that he wants me to hold him and that he loves to sit with me.  When I try to do my prenatal yoga and sit cross legged on the floor, he always runs up and sits on my lap.  I usually do yoga when he naps because he makes it impossible otherwise by grabbing my face or climbing on my back or crawling between my legs or giving me big sloppy kisses. It makes me laugh but also makes it impossible to meditate.  (Yes, I am a HUGE believer in meditating when your a mom. It keeps me sane. Laugh if you must.)

Scott got me a new recliner for the pregnancy/new baby.  Jacob takes a nap in it every single afternoon.  He loves it more than I do.

 He's also the jealous type. Even though he's a daddy's boy, he can't stand it when Scott pulls my attention away from him and will physically try to push Scott away from me with both arms when he wants my attention.  That being said, when Scott comes home from work, he rushes over to greet him and be held by him and play with him. Scott can rough house with him which is great because I can't even lift him up half the time. He is obsessed with 'Lightening McQueen' and 'Buzz Lightyear'.  Even though his vocabulary isn't that large, he plays pretend with his toys, making "vroom" sounds with his cars and making his Buzz toy fly around the house.  He loves animals and playing outside in the yard.  Instead of "mommy" he calls me "Mum," Like a little British man. It's really endearing when he does it. I love hearing it. He still loves his blanket, and his binkie.   He loves the song, "Jesus wants me for a sunbeam" and throws his hands up in the air during the "beam" part. His tantrums make me laugh. He dramatically flops on the floor, and rolls across the room and then army crawls back toward me like he is in pain. He loves to be teased and will try to tease you back. He is now old enough to be one of the gang as far as keeping up with his older siblings, and even though he is half their size, he absolutely considers himself one of them, without any lack of confidence in his abilities.

 He is surprisingly aggressive for someone so small.   I'm loving him at eighteen months, and all the hard work with him that first grueling year is starting to pay off with the bond I have formed with him.  I miss him when he goes to bed at night.

Let's see, what else is new?
Scott is doing well with the business.  This time of year is always a little slow with taxes, but they've had some new clients come in this month which is always a good thing, so far things are progressing, and they've recently come up with some new ideas that should keep the company growing.  As risky as it is when you start a new business, things are going fine for right now, which is a good thing because our air conditioning unit needed to be replaced, and it wasn't cheap.  Of course I had to be in my third trimester when the air conditioner dies...that's just the way life works.  We were living off of ceiling fans, screen doors in the nighttime and ice cold drinks for at least a week before they could change it.  Also the dishwasher broke down, for a week, and we just got a part on that replaced.  That's what happens when you buy a house that's been around for at least 10 years.  We've already made a point to make sure the next house we get is brand new. (He wants to build.) The fun thing about our house right now  though, is being involved in  home improvements, including converting our loft into a fourth bedroom, and replacing some of the gravel in our backyard with sod so that there's more grass out there, and more room for the kids to play.  Everywhere we look we are finding new projects around the house. We are also going to change the color of our cabinets, which we have all the supplies for but haven't gotten around to yet. I'm not exactly sure when we will since I give birth soon, but we will see. Scott does most of the manual work because at this point in my pregnancy I'm like an 85 year old lady.  I hate not being able to do stuff but it is what it is.  It's fun seeing Scott get involved in this stuff though.  He has done the research and is learning how to do a lot of handy work that he never did before, and he's doing a great job at it.
I'm basically doing fine for a pregnant lady.  I'm bigger/heavier than I've ever been in my life, about ten pounds more than when I gave birth to my other kids, so that's not my favorite but it's my fourth kid and that's what happens when you have four kids.  Yesterday on the news there was a specialist saying that pregnant mothers should only gain 25-35 pounds while pregnant.  I've gained over 40 and I still have three weeks left...so I gave the TV monitor the finger and changed the channel.  I try not to think about it, and usually I do pretty good  until I look in the mirror.  I hate mirrors.  That being said, even when I do look, I look away and sing a happy song in my head and pretend it's not happening.  I will deal with the weight when I have the ability to, and in the meantime it makes no sense to think about things I have no control over.  No big problems, except that I'm a little dehydrated these days, at least that's what my doctor says so I'm doing my best to drink more water. I also have random hormone surges in my body that create weird effects like rapid heart beat, shaking, and a weak stomach, but that will only randomly happen every once in a while.  Never happened with any of the other kids.  Weird.  Every pregnancy really is totally different. I crave a lot of artichokes, salad, snap peas, and fruit.  I hate most meat.  Scott says this baby is going to come out green because I mostly crave vegetables.   I went in almost a week ago and the Doctor said I was dilated to a 2 already, and I go in again in 3 days to get checked again, so we will see if I last the whole three weeks or not. My mom keeps saying I won't.  I'm actually hoping I do.  I know most moms want to go early, but I get nervous when I'm in labor, I worry too much about something bad happening or the baby not having enough time to cook in there.  Both Crystal and Jake came 2 weeks early, and I had to get them both out. My water broke with Crystal on a day when I was happily minding my own business, so I had no choice but to get her induced back then because I was only dilated to a one when that happened.  With Jake, I had been in early labor for a couple of days, and when I went in with contractions 3-5 minutes apart, they noticed his heartbeat was acting funny, and dropping during some of the contractions, so they kept me there in the hospital to monitor him and put me on pitocin if it didn't stop, which it didn't so out he came.  Then with Seth, they had to put me on meds because I wouldn't stop bleeding after the delivery.  While in labor with Jake my blood pressure dropped and I basically passed out during the labor so they had to snap me out of it and put me on oxygen, sooo labor isn't my favorite.  It intimidates me, also I'm not a fan of the pain either. Also I'm not a big fan of the healing process either.  So to get to the point, I'm not anxious to give birth, and it's weird, but it's true.  Life seems a little easier with little Samuel on the inside of me so far.  Pregnancy isn't easy, but at least I feel like I have a little control in my life for a few weeks right now.
Oh, yes.  His name is Samuel.  Scott and I had been going through a list of names and it was pretty horrible trying to agree on names we both liked.  Then we would come up with two or three names and think we were getting close, then wake up in the morning and one or both of us would look at our names again and decide we hated them and start from scratch.  Scott likes very basic, normal, every day guy names.  Nothing fancy, nothing trendy, nothing hard to spell or nothing that could be confused for a girl.  (Actually there are girls that go by the name "Sam" short for Samantha, which bugged him at first, but he got over it.)  I wasn't nearly as picky as Scott was.  As long as it wasn't a name that I absolutely hated, I was willing to compromise.  My biggest problem is that a lot of the names Scott liked were too common, and too boring. I won't say what they were so that anybody who has those names won't be offended, but they all reminded me of construction workers.  I like that both Seth and Jacob have scriptural references.  Seth came from the bible...after Cain killed Abel, Adam gave the priesthood to Seth, who was supposedly a lot like Abel in nature and personality, and of course his love for God. So Seth helped carry the priesthood to the rest of the world.  Jacob, is both in the Book of Mormon and the Bible.  Jacob fathered the 12 tribes of Israel, and was a second son in birth order, but still very strong in personality. Just like ours.  Jacob in the B.O.M. was Nephi's little brother, and became the Prophet after Nephi died.  He knew his share of dealing with hard times and still stayed faithful.  Ultimately the name Samuel was a good compromise for us, because it's not an abnormal name, and it's also in the scriptures as well.  Even though the name is both in the Bible and the B.O.M. again, I was particulary attached to the B.O.M. prophet because the prophet in that book was commanded to preach to the city of Nephi, who didn't listen to him and threw him out, and instead of giving up he climbed onto the city walls and delivered his message that way.  I love that he was set on his purpose, and what was right, and that he wasn't afraid of what other people thought or did because of it.  I want this little boy I'm going to have to be that way.  He's going to grow up in a world that is really confusing and full of people who will have different values and opinions and may try to bully him into thinking their way, and I want him not to be afraid to stand up for what he feels is right, no matter what.  I'm hoping he will use that prophet as a reference for the attitude I want him to have growing up when dealing with his peers and society in general.  So that's why the name appeals to me.  Scott felt good about it too, so we went with that.  His middle name is going to be Nicholas, after Scott's dad.  It means "victory of the people," which in a way, kind of fits the spirit of his first name in the sense that I want this little boy to stand out in a crowd when it comes to doing the right thing.

I'm told that someday I will be happy that I have a record of this.  For right now it's not my favorite, but here is proof that this is actually happening.  Again.

The other thing I didn't post that happened at the end of  last month was my little Crystal's last day of first grade.  She is growing up so so fast.  The whole day was actually kind of chaotic because I had a lot of deadlines that week.  Then I went through all kinds of trouble to run and get a boquet of flowers for Crystals teacher the night before as a token of appreciation for all she's done, and that was a pain because I had to go out of my way to get them and then argue with Scott, that yes, it was a necessary thing to do to get her teacher flowers.  THEN we somehow slept in that morning and in the chaos of getting Crystal out the door and to her school in time, I freaking forgot to send those flowers with her and didn't remember until way after Crystal got home when I saw them in a vase in our spare room.  Oops.  Yeah Scott had a great time making fun of me for that one.  On the plus side, they looked great on the dining room table. 
Anyway, here is a quick pic of my little angel on her way out the door for her last day.   I was so proud of her!

She is so grown up!  I love this girl.

Anyway, aside from Seth's birthday which I already posted about, that's how we've been for the month of June.  At this point I have two weeks and 5 days until I give birth. The kids are great.  A handful, but great nonetheless.  I still go to bed every night thinking of them and how much I love them.  They are my whole life.  Scott has done a great job at being supportive and patient because I can't do anything right now, so he helps me put the kids to bed and does all the lifting for me.  I really appreciate it and I try and make sure he knows that.  He's also patient with my occasional rants about how I hate not being able to move or do anything.  I'm sure it gets really repetitive. 
Life is good.  I keep saying that because it's true.  I'm thankful for the joy and happiness I feel in my life right now, and I'm looking forward to having even more of it when this little guy becomes part of my world forever. 

He's FIVE!!!!!

Awww.  I love this little guy.  In my head he's still my baby, even though he's growing up so fast.  His birthday fell on a Sunday, so no Chuck-E-Cheeses this year.  (I can't say I'm broken up about that...I hate that place with my whole soul but the kids think it's a paradise.)  However we did have a family birthday party with him at my parents house....and I FORGOT my camera, so these pictures were taken with a phone, which is why they are not top quality.  It's the best I could do, and at least we still have a record of it.  It still makes me sooo mad though. 

My parents went all out with the decorations.

Life sized superhero cutouts

Cake

Presents

Family eating dinner

Candle lighting

'Slimer' from 'Ghostbusters'. He requested this gift specifically from his aunt Denise, who had to special order it for him.

He put it on immediately

His other special request was for a piñata.  He got this Spiderman one.

His cousin Issac (Jared's son) giving it a try

Getting blindfolded

After a while we gave up on the blindfolds and just let him go nuts

My sister was on "Jacob duty" while I took pictures.  He still managed to escape from her and try and get into the neighbors pond next door, but luckily he was captured in time.  I'm telling you that kid is work.

Crystal getting blindfolded

Appropriately, Seth was the one who cracked it open. Of course he got more turns than everyone else too.

Jackpot!!

Jake wasn't interested at all until he saw the candy. Then he re-appeared on the scene.

Seth is my ray of sunshine in my house.  He is by far my happiest and most enthusiastic child.  He always smiles, and his preschool teachers love him, because he is always so happy and always runs in the room with a huge smile on his face. His speech therapist asked me if it's even possible to not laugh every day because of the witty and funny things he says. I told her it's not.  It's literally hard for him not to smile most of the time, even when he's mad.  It doesn't hurt that he has huge dimples that go with his baby blue eyes either, it makes it hard to stay mad at him.  He is my most creative, and imaginative child too. He laughs at everything.  He has the best sense of humor, and the things he says are always hilarious.  He is a breath of fresh air because his happiness is incredibly contagious.
He gave a talk in primary about 3 weeks ago, and he did a great job.  He had the whole classes attention, and was extremely animated when he gave it. He loves being in the spotlight and has no problem with being the center of attention.  He is also very social, he talks to everyone he can, asks them questions, and tells them things about his life that he thinks are interesting. He is still into superheroes and video games.  We usually go easy on games because we don't want him to get addicted to them, and waste hours of his day, but when he does play we monitor him. We bought him a Nintendo Wii for his birthday which he still thanks us for every day. He says it's the best present he's ever had. Again, we figure as long as we control how much he plays, and for how long, it will be okay.  We also picked the Wii because even though it may not be as cool as the Xbox or playstation, it's more of a family oriented device and has activities that will help him get off the couch, and move instead of just sit there. 
I love my Sethie.  He brings me back to my own childhood when I watch him play.  Everything he does is a game, everything he looks at can be created into an imaginary situation and a great story. He makes up all kinds of stories and tells them to us.
He just finished "Itty bitty baseball" as far as his summer activities go.  Since soccer is next we didn't sign him up because he is fairly passionate about how much he dislikes soccer.  It's just not his game, which is fine. Strangely, he really likes basketball. So we're signing him up for that fairly soon. 
His other new thing is Ghostbusters.  He absolutely loves the movie, and that's why he requested a "slimer' shirt for his birthday.  He likes the movie, but especially loves the cartoons.  We were able to find some old ones that they used to show in the 80's and 90's on TV and they make his day. 
His other new grownup thing is that he prefers to take showers instead of baths now.  This is a big deal for him because he usually hates water on his face. Now however, he finds excuses to get himself dirty during the day (as if he needed any) so that he "has" to take a shower as soon as possible.

He's been making some great speech improvements too. He's been in speech therapy all last year because he has trouble with his "G" "S" "K" and "D" sounds.  He does what's called "fronting" where he uses the front of his mouth to make sounds that he should be doing with the back of his throat. When he started he was only accurate with those sounds about 30 percent of the time, and now he's jumped up to around 70 percent with most of them.  Most people don't know this, but he inherited his speech issue from my mom.  When my mom was small she had the exact same pronunciation issues, (albeit in Spanish,) and her older brothers used to tease her relentlessly because of it.  She grew out of it over time, but it took her a couple of years longer because in Bolivia they didn't have speech therapy options, especially back then.  She has been a great supporter of him because she still remembers what it was like, and the frustration that she felt.  It's because of his speech, and his summer birthday that we're thinking of waiting a year before putting him in kindergarten.  He technically could go in this fall, but he would be younger than most of his class, and combined with his speech it could possibly make things frustrating for him.  I've been testing him at home though, and he basically meets the criteria for being able to enter as far as his understanding of numbers and the alphabet go, I think he could be okay, at least at first, but my biggest worry is the rate at which he would progress compared to kids who would be a little older than him.  I'm worried about his ability to excel as opposed to just floating by. It's been a battle to figure out what the best option for him would be. I've been doing all kinds of research about it.  I've been praying about it too. It's amazing how many parents are passionate about the subject online, both for and against holding your kid back a year. Scott wants him to work on his speech for another year first, (also I think he wants him to have a higher physical capacity for sports) he also thinks that having Seth being one of the older boys in his class will improve his ability to focus.  The thing is, Seth doesn't lack confidence at all.  Also having been with him in preschool, he does fine at paying attention to the teacher. As sparatic as his focus may seem, he's just like all the other boys in preschool. I'm pretty sure Seth does fine for a boy, it's just that Scott is used to seeing Crystal's learning style, which is very mature for her age, and he can't help but compare it to Seth's.  Crystal was always ahead of her class though, so much that we've even considered advancing her a grade. Which is a whole other thing I'm debating about as well, but that's another story.   Either way, whether we end up putting him in this year or not, I work with him at home.  I do speech exercises with him every day, especially because it's summer break and he doesn't start up his classes again until September, and also I have him enrolled in an online program, filled with learning activities for kindergartners, and I work with him on that and supervise what he's learning on it every day as well.  He's only been in the online program for a few weeks, but he loves it, and I can tell that he's also learning from it. It's nice too because through the program I can also design my own lessons for him that focus on things that I think he could use more work on. It measures his progress and tells me where he takes the longest to figure things out.  Whether or not we hold him back, I'm going to keep him on it because I'm already seeing an improvement in his spelling and sounding things out.  Sure it's more work for me, but I like having a direct say in what he's learning and I like being able to know where to focus with him in certain areas.  So we work together for an hour every morning, and he loves it.

I don't know what I would do without this perfect 5 year old in my life.  I know I can always turn to him for a good laugh, and any real conversation with him is priceless.  I love the way he views the world.  He is so full of love for each of his family members, always quick to say "I love you" and even more impressive, he's quick to say "I'm sorry," and "Do you forgive me."  He is protective of both his older and younger siblings and will immediately jump to their defense if he thinks they've been treated unfairly.  Even though he has what I call, a "little boy attentions span," he learns quickly from his mistakes, and he is very proactive and is willing to try and solve his own problems without help when he wants something done.  He remembers to pray for each of his family members before bedtime, and when Crystal would talk about "drama" at school, he would mention specifically that she would get along with certain friends, or that she would get picked to be the teachers helper soon, etc.  He's extremely caring and attentive that way.  I think it will make him a good spouse one day.
I'm so glad he had a good birthday.  He deserves it.  He makes our home and our lives complete, he is my oldest son, and he is a great brother for his siblings.

Jake holding onto his big brother

He is the best.

When you're a frustrated, imperfect mom

It's definitely been a week where I've been thinking about Motherhood.  From some friends experiences, to Katrina passing away as I mentioned in my last post, to my own experiences.  Some private, some I'm willing to mention.
I love being a mother.  I've said it dozens of times.  It's not easy, but the payoff is fantastic.  That being said, it's a lot of work, and it's easy to get frustrated.  
I know I've made a post earlier about how attitude is everything when you're a mom, and it's true.  Everything I wrote in that post is the absolute truth, but that being said, I hope I didn't imply that I'm this happy, cheerful, leave it to beaver 1950's era lady who has everything perfect in her home, and never lets a negative thought poison her attitude.  That's simply not true.  Though I often wish I could be that kind of mom, I'm much more human than that, and being pregnant, I'm sensitive and emotional, in pain, and tired all the time, which can be a lethal combination for anyone who suffers such ailments, regardless of who they are.  So don't go thinking that I'm one of those "has it together" ladies.  I'm not.  In fact, it's hard not to resent, or even feel sorry for women who seem like they do.  I say seem like it, because I think "always having it together" is a lie, that for some reason we feel like we need to fit in to as suburban moms and housewives.  If you've ever watched the TV show "Madmen", it's the 'Betty Draper' syndrome.  She looks great, but inside she is a wreck.  Not because she's a housewife (which the show tries to make it seem like...don't get me started on some of the skewed political messages of the show itself) but because she's trying too hard to be, or at least look like, the perfect housewife. 

She does look fabulous though.

 It doesn't exist.  The perfect homemaker who can always cook nutritious delicious meals, stay in perfect rock hard shape, always have a smile on her face, always have her kids faces and clothes spotless, always have the house spotless, makes all her kids clothes, manages to give her kids a Harvard quality education by homeschooling, never lets her children watch television or play a game on her phone, never raises her voice, plants perfect flowers in the yard and never lets a weed grow, always has the laundry cleaned and pressed and put away, never has a bad hair day, always has her legs shaved, never has a zit,  never thinks a negative thought, always knows what to say and how to say it, etc. Is a complete joke, and ridiculous.  Nobody can be like that all the time, you can try and improve on these things, you may even be great at a couple of them, but you will never be completely perfect at all of them at the same time, and the ones who are crazy enough to try, are just that.  Crazy, and probably on some really strong antidepressants.   
The reality is, that as moms, we can try the best we can, and often it won't feel like enough, but it doesn't make us failures.
I'm pretty sure that every mother knows those days when we're at our wits end.  We feel like we've given everything we've had, and we've exerted ourselves in every way possible.  Every mom has those days, when they momentarily consider, or at least fantasize about running away and joining the circus, because the circus would be MUCH less chaotic and feel much more organized.  
I'm pretty sure that every mom has felt over worked, under appreciated, and a little bit lonely because their specific, personalized individual situation with their specific children is something they, and only they and nobody else has to deal with, and even with the support of a spouse, they still deal with specific frustrations and emotions that just can't be understood by anyone else.
I'm also pretty sure that every mom has looked at another mom, who's life seems much easier, and much less chaotic, and scoffed at how easy they may have it, or perhaps feel jealousy at the fact that they seem to handle things better than you do, or assumed that it's not fair that their situation seems much better than yours.  Likewise we often look at other moms who may have challenges that seem much harder than our own, (and who knows maybe they are),  and then feel horribly guilty for ever being negative about our own problems.   I know I've been guilty of all of these, and you know what?  My life is mine for a reason.  I'm going to love it and appreciate it and not take it for granted.  I'm done feeling guilty that my life may not seem as hard as someone else's, and I'm done feeling resentful of someone else who's life seems easier than mine.  God gave me my life for a reason, and it's mine, my responsibility and nobody else's.  I'm going to focus on that and forget about comparisons. 

It's been an interesting week.  There have been several ups and downs.  There has been a lot of guilt in my heart, and in my head, over mistakes I've made at not being the perfect mom lately.  Earlier this week I lost my temper at my kids.  I was going to write a whole post about why and what they did, but then deleted it because I felt guilty for speaking negatively about things my kids did, and how it made me feel.  I've spent many nights as a mother, not just this week, lying awake in my bed, thinking of every single one of my children.  I worry that one child didn't get enough attention that day and may have felt ignored, I worry that another one needed more help/focus with their homework instead of me just helping them get through it as quickly as possible.  I worry that another child didn't hear me say "thank you," and know how much I appreciated their help that day, I worry that one's emotional needs are not being met compared to another's, I worry that I forgot to give another their favorite snack that day even though I promised, I worry that something I said or did was negligent and that my kids will grow up with insecurities. I worry about the times that I get angry, and about the way I handled the situation and how I should have done better.  I just worry, and it's always about them. Last Sunday while teaching my 13 year old class, I thought to myself that within a few years, my kids will be just like the ones I am teaching, and it scared me and made me a little sad.  Don't get me wrong, I love teaching those 13 years old's, I love them to death, but the fact that my kids will stop being so bright eyed, stop with the daily I love you's, and hand holding, and stop with the goodnight kisses, and cute little notes and cuddles on the couch, and turn into actual people who hang out with their friends and do their own thing is bittersweet.  I want my kids to develop their potential and progress, but I also feel a sense of panic, that I only have a short time to really influence them for the greater good, before they start figuring out life for themselves.  So I stay up at night and worry.  

I think that Satan is extremely aware of the power and potential of a mother.  I also think that he knows the importance of our calling in God's kingdom in doing that work.  Why else would the world and media work so hard to make it seem unimportant and lowly?  I think Satan knows how hard our job is, and he will do everything in his power to make us feel like we are not capable of the tasks we have.  I think he uses guilt, insecurities, resentfulness and fatigue as ways to discourage us from knowing who we really are and the good we can do in our homes.  Heber J. Grant has said that if Satan can tear apart the family unit in society, than he will have succeeded in his goals.   I also believe that Satan will never stop working on mother's in particular,  because he knows how much power we have in keeping our family together through the ups and downs of life, and especially the influence we have on the future generations of this world.  Yes, it is a huge responsibility, yes it can feel overwhelming, but we are not alone.  The general authorities have reminded us of that over and over and over again.  
There is a fantastic talk that usually circles around during this time of year for Mother's day.  I've heard it and read it before, and I'm sure some of  you have heard it and read it many times as well, but it's message continues to ring true and continues to remind me of some important things that it's easy to forget as a mom.  This talk gives me encouragement and comfort whenever I start to let Satan get in my head.  The talk was given in April 1997 General conference, it's called "Because she is a Mother" by Jeffery R. Holland.   You can watch it here:




There are several points that he brings out in this talk.  At first when writing this post I wanted to dissect all of it, and just talk about this address in general, but it's probably better if  you listen to it  yourself anyway. There are a few points he brings up however, that I love and are worth thinking about.  

He says, "Do the best you can through these years, but whatever else you do, cherish that role that is so uniquely yours, and for which Heaven itself sends angels to watch over you and your little ones."

Angels are watching over us, and helping us and our kids.  Here is another one:

"...It is clear that some of those Rhode Island-sized shadows (under the eyes) come not just from diapers and carpooling, but from at least a few sleepless nights spent searching the soul, seeking earnestly for the capacity to raise these children to be what God wants them to be.  Moved by that kind of devotion and determination, may I say to mothers collectively, in the name of the Lord, you are magnificent.  You are doing terrifically well.  The very fact that  you have been give such a responsibility is everlasting evidence of the trust that your Father in Heaven has in you.  He knows that your giving birth to a child does not immediately propel  you into the circle of the omniscient."

Also,

"No one has failed who keeps trying and praying. You have every right to receive encouragement and to know in the end your children will call your name blessed."

And one of my favorites:

"You can't possibly do this alone.  But you do have help.  The Master of Heaven and Earth is there to bless you....Yours is the work of salvation, and therefore you will be magnified, compensated, made more than you are, and better than you have ever been, as you try to make honest effort, however feeble you may sometimes feel that to be."

Okay last quote I promise. The rest you can listen for yourself, because I skipped a ton of it, and just showed you my personal favorite parts.  

You are doing God’s work. You are doing it wonderfully well. He is blessing you and He will bless you, even—no, especially—when your days and your nights may be the most challenging....Christ will say to the women who worry and wonder and sometimes weep over their responsibility as mothers, “Daughter, be of good comfort; thy faith hath made thee whole.”  And it will make your children whole as well.

I'm so thankful for the Mother's of this world.  I'm thankful for my mother, my grandmothers, and for my friends and other family members, who are also mothers and future mothers.  I'm thankful that I've been blessed with this calling, that in spite of the crazy and chaotic world that I live in, that for some reason, Heavenly Father trusts me with his children.  I'm thankful that I have access to information that lets me know and confirms to my heart, that I'm doing an important work, that my calling is valuable, and desperately needed in this day and time.  Of course it isn't easy, we are raising future soldiers and warriors, male and female, in a world that seems to be falling apart, and full of ugliness and lies, but Heavenly Father knows we can do it, and he will help us every step of the way to make it possible.  He will provide us with what we need, and give us the strength we lack when we feel like we have nothing left.  We can do it, one day at a time, and one step at a time.  He has a plan for us, not just as children of god, but as mothers, and he knows our individual needs, and has a specific plan for every one of our families.  He knows we are capable of fulfilling our major role that specific family plan, in spite of our imperfections.  I'm so thankful for that knowledge.  I hope you all have a wonderful Mother's day. 

P.S. This video says "Happy Mother's and sons day," but it can also apply to mother's of daughters.  The basic principles are the same, it's cute.

A week full of Crystal!

I love my little peanut.  She is my only daughter, and my most responsible child.  She is the dream child I never thought I could possibly deserve.
This week we got to spend a lot of time appreciating her, starting with Monday afternoon when she had her school program.  The program was centered around grandparents, and so she invited my parents to come and watch her perform.  She did a great job.

Every song was about how much they loved having grandparents, and during her speaking part, she mentioned that she loves going on vacations with her grandparents, and that when she's a grandma she will go shopping for pretty clothes.
After the program, my parents and I joined her in her classroom for milk and cookies.  It was a great day.  She was so excited to perform, and my parents were crazy enough to show up an hour early so that they could get the best seats to her show.  Granted, it's a huge elementary school and if you don't show up early for these things at her school you have no place to sit, but my parents fully admitted that they were nuts and they were okay with it.

So the other big thing for Crystal this week was that she got to perform in her first dance recital ever!!  I loved getting her all made up and doing her hair.  Also, I've decided that the cutest thing in the world was seeing all the little girls in big frilly tutu's all dressed up like princesses to perform.  All the kids outfits were adorable.  Crystal's dance/theme was centered around the movie "Brave" from Disney.  Here she is in costume and makeup.

All made up

Her cute little outfit

She did a great job being patient and letting me do her hair!  I had to make it pulled back so that the wreath would be prominent, but also wanted to make it pretty and not just a bun.  This is what I came up with.

The stage!!!  Crystal waas SOO excited to perform on a "real stage" at night time.

The recital was Disney themed.  

In front of the programs at the enterance

There she is!  

She loves this movie

OH my gosh there were so many cute little girls and performances!!!  Loved all the little performing princesses.

Here she is with her friends, talking and getting ready to go on and perform:

With her friend/school mate

Jacob kept surprisingly busy during the recital.  I was worried because  he is so crazy but he actually had fun entertaining himself.

He's roaring like a bear

Watching the other performances

Friends!

Waiting in line to go next.  I love Crystal's face in this one because it shows so much of her personality.  

Performance time!

She did a great job! She looked like a little angel up there!

I am so proud of her.  I can't say that enough.  Mostly I'm proud that she found something that she loves doing.  I didn't want to be the kind of parent that pushed her into anything to make her feel obligated, but she chose dance herself when I asked her what she wanted to learn to do, and it's been doing a great job building her confidence and making her feel talented.  The first time Scott saw her dance he had a smile from ear to ear.  He was proud of her too.  He said that he had no idea that he would like watching her dance so much, that it would make him feel impressed that she was developing a talent, and that she is good at it.  I loved watching Scott's face while he watched her dance, it made me fall in love with him all over again.  He is such a loving father.
She was also excited to see her grandparents there to see her again, her aunt Denise, her uncle Matt and her future aunt Ale.  Thanks guys for coming to watch her perform!

Roses from grandma

She also got a little packet with a tiara, wand and bracelet from her teacher before leaving.

Most of all I'm thankful for an opportunity to honor my little Crystal.  I'm thankful for her spirit in my home, for her helpful attitude, her willingness to please, and her unconditional love.  She truly is my little princess, and I am so lucky to have her.  She is everything a parent could want in a daughter.