When you're a frustrated, imperfect mom

It's definitely been a week where I've been thinking about Motherhood.  From some friends experiences, to Katrina passing away as I mentioned in my last post, to my own experiences.  Some private, some I'm willing to mention.
I love being a mother.  I've said it dozens of times.  It's not easy, but the payoff is fantastic.  That being said, it's a lot of work, and it's easy to get frustrated.  
I know I've made a post earlier about how attitude is everything when you're a mom, and it's true.  Everything I wrote in that post is the absolute truth, but that being said, I hope I didn't imply that I'm this happy, cheerful, leave it to beaver 1950's era lady who has everything perfect in her home, and never lets a negative thought poison her attitude.  That's simply not true.  Though I often wish I could be that kind of mom, I'm much more human than that, and being pregnant, I'm sensitive and emotional, in pain, and tired all the time, which can be a lethal combination for anyone who suffers such ailments, regardless of who they are.  So don't go thinking that I'm one of those "has it together" ladies.  I'm not.  In fact, it's hard not to resent, or even feel sorry for women who seem like they do.  I say seem like it, because I think "always having it together" is a lie, that for some reason we feel like we need to fit in to as suburban moms and housewives.  If you've ever watched the TV show "Madmen", it's the 'Betty Draper' syndrome.  She looks great, but inside she is a wreck.  Not because she's a housewife (which the show tries to make it seem like...don't get me started on some of the skewed political messages of the show itself) but because she's trying too hard to be, or at least look like, the perfect housewife. 

She does look fabulous though.

 It doesn't exist.  The perfect homemaker who can always cook nutritious delicious meals, stay in perfect rock hard shape, always have a smile on her face, always have her kids faces and clothes spotless, always have the house spotless, makes all her kids clothes, manages to give her kids a Harvard quality education by homeschooling, never lets her children watch television or play a game on her phone, never raises her voice, plants perfect flowers in the yard and never lets a weed grow, always has the laundry cleaned and pressed and put away, never has a bad hair day, always has her legs shaved, never has a zit,  never thinks a negative thought, always knows what to say and how to say it, etc. Is a complete joke, and ridiculous.  Nobody can be like that all the time, you can try and improve on these things, you may even be great at a couple of them, but you will never be completely perfect at all of them at the same time, and the ones who are crazy enough to try, are just that.  Crazy, and probably on some really strong antidepressants.   
The reality is, that as moms, we can try the best we can, and often it won't feel like enough, but it doesn't make us failures.
I'm pretty sure that every mother knows those days when we're at our wits end.  We feel like we've given everything we've had, and we've exerted ourselves in every way possible.  Every mom has those days, when they momentarily consider, or at least fantasize about running away and joining the circus, because the circus would be MUCH less chaotic and feel much more organized.  
I'm pretty sure that every mom has felt over worked, under appreciated, and a little bit lonely because their specific, personalized individual situation with their specific children is something they, and only they and nobody else has to deal with, and even with the support of a spouse, they still deal with specific frustrations and emotions that just can't be understood by anyone else.
I'm also pretty sure that every mom has looked at another mom, who's life seems much easier, and much less chaotic, and scoffed at how easy they may have it, or perhaps feel jealousy at the fact that they seem to handle things better than you do, or assumed that it's not fair that their situation seems much better than yours.  Likewise we often look at other moms who may have challenges that seem much harder than our own, (and who knows maybe they are),  and then feel horribly guilty for ever being negative about our own problems.   I know I've been guilty of all of these, and you know what?  My life is mine for a reason.  I'm going to love it and appreciate it and not take it for granted.  I'm done feeling guilty that my life may not seem as hard as someone else's, and I'm done feeling resentful of someone else who's life seems easier than mine.  God gave me my life for a reason, and it's mine, my responsibility and nobody else's.  I'm going to focus on that and forget about comparisons. 

It's been an interesting week.  There have been several ups and downs.  There has been a lot of guilt in my heart, and in my head, over mistakes I've made at not being the perfect mom lately.  Earlier this week I lost my temper at my kids.  I was going to write a whole post about why and what they did, but then deleted it because I felt guilty for speaking negatively about things my kids did, and how it made me feel.  I've spent many nights as a mother, not just this week, lying awake in my bed, thinking of every single one of my children.  I worry that one child didn't get enough attention that day and may have felt ignored, I worry that another one needed more help/focus with their homework instead of me just helping them get through it as quickly as possible.  I worry that another child didn't hear me say "thank you," and know how much I appreciated their help that day, I worry that one's emotional needs are not being met compared to another's, I worry that I forgot to give another their favorite snack that day even though I promised, I worry that something I said or did was negligent and that my kids will grow up with insecurities. I worry about the times that I get angry, and about the way I handled the situation and how I should have done better.  I just worry, and it's always about them. Last Sunday while teaching my 13 year old class, I thought to myself that within a few years, my kids will be just like the ones I am teaching, and it scared me and made me a little sad.  Don't get me wrong, I love teaching those 13 years old's, I love them to death, but the fact that my kids will stop being so bright eyed, stop with the daily I love you's, and hand holding, and stop with the goodnight kisses, and cute little notes and cuddles on the couch, and turn into actual people who hang out with their friends and do their own thing is bittersweet.  I want my kids to develop their potential and progress, but I also feel a sense of panic, that I only have a short time to really influence them for the greater good, before they start figuring out life for themselves.  So I stay up at night and worry.  

I think that Satan is extremely aware of the power and potential of a mother.  I also think that he knows the importance of our calling in God's kingdom in doing that work.  Why else would the world and media work so hard to make it seem unimportant and lowly?  I think Satan knows how hard our job is, and he will do everything in his power to make us feel like we are not capable of the tasks we have.  I think he uses guilt, insecurities, resentfulness and fatigue as ways to discourage us from knowing who we really are and the good we can do in our homes.  Heber J. Grant has said that if Satan can tear apart the family unit in society, than he will have succeeded in his goals.   I also believe that Satan will never stop working on mother's in particular,  because he knows how much power we have in keeping our family together through the ups and downs of life, and especially the influence we have on the future generations of this world.  Yes, it is a huge responsibility, yes it can feel overwhelming, but we are not alone.  The general authorities have reminded us of that over and over and over again.  
There is a fantastic talk that usually circles around during this time of year for Mother's day.  I've heard it and read it before, and I'm sure some of  you have heard it and read it many times as well, but it's message continues to ring true and continues to remind me of some important things that it's easy to forget as a mom.  This talk gives me encouragement and comfort whenever I start to let Satan get in my head.  The talk was given in April 1997 General conference, it's called "Because she is a Mother" by Jeffery R. Holland.   You can watch it here:




There are several points that he brings out in this talk.  At first when writing this post I wanted to dissect all of it, and just talk about this address in general, but it's probably better if  you listen to it  yourself anyway. There are a few points he brings up however, that I love and are worth thinking about.  

He says, "Do the best you can through these years, but whatever else you do, cherish that role that is so uniquely yours, and for which Heaven itself sends angels to watch over you and your little ones."

Angels are watching over us, and helping us and our kids.  Here is another one:

"...It is clear that some of those Rhode Island-sized shadows (under the eyes) come not just from diapers and carpooling, but from at least a few sleepless nights spent searching the soul, seeking earnestly for the capacity to raise these children to be what God wants them to be.  Moved by that kind of devotion and determination, may I say to mothers collectively, in the name of the Lord, you are magnificent.  You are doing terrifically well.  The very fact that  you have been give such a responsibility is everlasting evidence of the trust that your Father in Heaven has in you.  He knows that your giving birth to a child does not immediately propel  you into the circle of the omniscient."

Also,

"No one has failed who keeps trying and praying. You have every right to receive encouragement and to know in the end your children will call your name blessed."

And one of my favorites:

"You can't possibly do this alone.  But you do have help.  The Master of Heaven and Earth is there to bless you....Yours is the work of salvation, and therefore you will be magnified, compensated, made more than you are, and better than you have ever been, as you try to make honest effort, however feeble you may sometimes feel that to be."

Okay last quote I promise. The rest you can listen for yourself, because I skipped a ton of it, and just showed you my personal favorite parts.  

You are doing God’s work. You are doing it wonderfully well. He is blessing you and He will bless you, even—no, especially—when your days and your nights may be the most challenging....Christ will say to the women who worry and wonder and sometimes weep over their responsibility as mothers, “Daughter, be of good comfort; thy faith hath made thee whole.”  And it will make your children whole as well.

I'm so thankful for the Mother's of this world.  I'm thankful for my mother, my grandmothers, and for my friends and other family members, who are also mothers and future mothers.  I'm thankful that I've been blessed with this calling, that in spite of the crazy and chaotic world that I live in, that for some reason, Heavenly Father trusts me with his children.  I'm thankful that I have access to information that lets me know and confirms to my heart, that I'm doing an important work, that my calling is valuable, and desperately needed in this day and time.  Of course it isn't easy, we are raising future soldiers and warriors, male and female, in a world that seems to be falling apart, and full of ugliness and lies, but Heavenly Father knows we can do it, and he will help us every step of the way to make it possible.  He will provide us with what we need, and give us the strength we lack when we feel like we have nothing left.  We can do it, one day at a time, and one step at a time.  He has a plan for us, not just as children of god, but as mothers, and he knows our individual needs, and has a specific plan for every one of our families.  He knows we are capable of fulfilling our major role that specific family plan, in spite of our imperfections.  I'm so thankful for that knowledge.  I hope you all have a wonderful Mother's day. 

P.S. This video says "Happy Mother's and sons day," but it can also apply to mother's of daughters.  The basic principles are the same, it's cute.

A week full of Crystal!

I love my little peanut.  She is my only daughter, and my most responsible child.  She is the dream child I never thought I could possibly deserve.
This week we got to spend a lot of time appreciating her, starting with Monday afternoon when she had her school program.  The program was centered around grandparents, and so she invited my parents to come and watch her perform.  She did a great job.

Every song was about how much they loved having grandparents, and during her speaking part, she mentioned that she loves going on vacations with her grandparents, and that when she's a grandma she will go shopping for pretty clothes.
After the program, my parents and I joined her in her classroom for milk and cookies.  It was a great day.  She was so excited to perform, and my parents were crazy enough to show up an hour early so that they could get the best seats to her show.  Granted, it's a huge elementary school and if you don't show up early for these things at her school you have no place to sit, but my parents fully admitted that they were nuts and they were okay with it.

So the other big thing for Crystal this week was that she got to perform in her first dance recital ever!!  I loved getting her all made up and doing her hair.  Also, I've decided that the cutest thing in the world was seeing all the little girls in big frilly tutu's all dressed up like princesses to perform.  All the kids outfits were adorable.  Crystal's dance/theme was centered around the movie "Brave" from Disney.  Here she is in costume and makeup.

All made up

Her cute little outfit

She did a great job being patient and letting me do her hair!  I had to make it pulled back so that the wreath would be prominent, but also wanted to make it pretty and not just a bun.  This is what I came up with.

The stage!!!  Crystal waas SOO excited to perform on a "real stage" at night time.

The recital was Disney themed.  

In front of the programs at the enterance

There she is!  

She loves this movie

OH my gosh there were so many cute little girls and performances!!!  Loved all the little performing princesses.

Here she is with her friends, talking and getting ready to go on and perform:

With her friend/school mate

Jacob kept surprisingly busy during the recital.  I was worried because  he is so crazy but he actually had fun entertaining himself.

He's roaring like a bear

Watching the other performances

Friends!

Waiting in line to go next.  I love Crystal's face in this one because it shows so much of her personality.  

Performance time!

She did a great job! She looked like a little angel up there!

I am so proud of her.  I can't say that enough.  Mostly I'm proud that she found something that she loves doing.  I didn't want to be the kind of parent that pushed her into anything to make her feel obligated, but she chose dance herself when I asked her what she wanted to learn to do, and it's been doing a great job building her confidence and making her feel talented.  The first time Scott saw her dance he had a smile from ear to ear.  He was proud of her too.  He said that he had no idea that he would like watching her dance so much, that it would make him feel impressed that she was developing a talent, and that she is good at it.  I loved watching Scott's face while he watched her dance, it made me fall in love with him all over again.  He is such a loving father.
She was also excited to see her grandparents there to see her again, her aunt Denise, her uncle Matt and her future aunt Ale.  Thanks guys for coming to watch her perform!

Roses from grandma

She also got a little packet with a tiara, wand and bracelet from her teacher before leaving.

Most of all I'm thankful for an opportunity to honor my little Crystal.  I'm thankful for her spirit in my home, for her helpful attitude, her willingness to please, and her unconditional love.  She truly is my little princess, and I am so lucky to have her.  She is everything a parent could want in a daughter.

How we spent our Easter

I say this every year, but I love Easter, and I was so so happy that we had a warm Easter this year since the weather here has been so bi-polar lately.  Just the fact that it was warm outside was fantastic.
The kids woke up to their Easter baskets waiting for them on the kitchen table in the morning:

We usually put very little if any candy in the baskets every year because I hate the way my kids act when they have sugar in their little systems.  So instead we put little toys in there and only a couple of tiny packets of candy in there instead of a chocolate overload.

Crystal was so happy to have a little woven purse/bag in there that she could bring her scriptures and pens to church in! She also got stickers and sidewalk chalk, which are two of her favorite things.  Her "bonus toy" was a giant pen that we knew she'd get a kick out of.

Seth Got bubbles, a frisbee, and a water gun. All things which he immediately tried to put into use. His bonus toy was a slinky, which he and Crystal broke by the afternoon, because they tried to straighten it.  Oh well.

Jake had already climbed on the table and opened his up before I could get a picture of him holding his basket.  He got a couple of toy cars in his basket, and toy cars are his favorite thing in the world right now, so he was in heaven.  

So a few things I learned about Easter morning with three kids.  For now on I'm going to make sure my kids are dressed and ready for church before they open their baskets, because they get distracted with their toys and it's harder to get them dressed later on.  Also, Just because Scott says there's plenty of time to get ready, doesn't mean anything because he can get ready in 5 minutes, and I am very particular about how my kids need to be dressed for church so it takes time along with packing the diaper bag with every emergency need I can think of.  Even though I made sure we were up two hours early, we were still scrambling for things and rushing out the door.  The culprit was Crystal's hair, because some of the braids I was putting in it were not cooperating   It's a good thing she's my only daughter.  I get way too distracted with her hair on Sunday mornings.

Sacrament meeting was...not easy.  

Jake was having a hard time holding still, as usual.  Some days he's an angel, but he chose Easter Sunday to be grumpy, which he continued to do most of the day.  Honestly, I think he was over stimulated with all the activity happening in the same day.  He liked it, but it also exhausted him.  I ended up taking him into the mother's room where he ran around in circles and screamed the whole time.  No really, he just yelled and ran around in circles the whole time. So that was Sacrament meeting.

  I got called to teach Sunday School to the 13 year olds, which has the biggest number of kids in our ward.  My class has over 20 kids, and it's basically like teaching a class at a public school rather than a small group of kids.  So for my first day in my calling,  I got to teach the Atonement because it was Easter.  It was awesome.  It was like being a missionary again.  In my second area as a missionary, (which I stayed in for 6 months) I worked with the entire youth in the ward there, which had the most teenagers in one stake in the whole mission.  I love the youth.  My biggest success as a missionary was working with the group of teenagers in the ward there.  They always brought their non-member friends to church, and it always provided us with families to teach when their friends or parents or siblings would want to learn more.  It's amazing how one teenager can influence their whole family when they try to live the gospel, and even get their parents to listen and want to be part of it, when they see the change in their teenager's demeanor. On my last Sunday in the country before I went home, the bishop asked me to come back and visit that ward, and speak in church, and it was so awesome to see my favorite kids still active, and to have them run up to me so excited to see me again, after the meeting to talk to me, tell me how they're doing, and to say goodbye.  It is one of my favorite memories ever.  To his day those kids have a special place in my heart.  So getting this calling with youth again makes me think of them, and it makes me happy.

  The lesson went great, they tried to pull a few fast ones on me, but I saw them coming a mile away, and even though there are so many of them and they all love to talk, I had them quiet, and listening by the end of the lesson.  I'm excited for this calling.  

After Sunday school, Scott looked like he was still having a hard time with Jake in the halls, so I took Jake into nursery, where I used to help teach singing time to the kids.  Jake goes into nursery in 3 months, and I figure the more exposure to nursery he can get before this new baby comes, the better.  So from that moment on, I decided to take him in there for the last hour of church every day, and help him get used to the routine and teachers there. I figured it's a good compromise since he won't let me sit through relief society anyway and he needs to learn to get along with kids his age and get used to a routine on Sundays.

After Church, we went over to my parents house for their Easter egg dinner and hunt.  The kids also had Easter baskets from my parents waiting for them there too.  Here they are enjoying their Easter toys.

These are some of the only pictures I got of them in their Sunday clothes for Easter.  Unfortunately, it was kind of chaotic on Easter with kids running everywhere and Jake refusing to cooperate.  I'm sad I didn't get good sibling pictures of them in their Sunday best like last year, but at least you get a peek.

Looking cute and grumpy.  When he's not in a good mood, he scowls.

Trying to fan the camera

Playing with bubbles

Jake got cars in his Easter basket at my parents house, which was great because they kept him busy.

"Look Mommy! Bunny ears!"

He cheered up a lot when we took him out of his church clothes so he could eat.  He HATES being dressed up.

Playing with his Great Grandpa

This was the only picture I managed to take of all the kids during the Easter Egg hunt, which was also chaotic.  Also, my parents have a bouncy house that they set up for special occasions.  You can see that in the background.  The kids love the bouncy house. 

Crystal and Seth got in a fight during the hunt about who was stealing eggs from who and who was pushing who out of the way to get to an egg before the other.  So that kind of made it less endearing, but that's life.

Jake was more concerned with opening his one egg he found, and eating the jelly beans inside than the actual  hunt.  He didn't really care about finding any more eggs.

It was a good Easter.  More chaotic that I had hoped, but really good.  The food was excellent, and it was warm outside. 

Easter is my favorite Holiday ever, so at first it was frustrating when my kids weren't co-operative at helping me make the beautiful Easter memories I had dramatized in my head with perfect well dressed children, when I was thinking about how the day would be when I woke up, but I came to realize during the day that once you have kids, Holidays aren't "just for you" any more, and it's more about your kids than yourself.  I think at times during different Holidays during the years, I've made the mistake of trying to make it "my" holiday, instead of my kids holidays.  When I relax and think about my kids more than "how the holiday schedule needs to be", I'm happier. After all, holidays are only really meaningful when I have people to share them with.  I may not have had a spiritual sacrament meeting or beautiful pictures of my kids in their Easter outfits  sitting in the green Easter grass, I may not have had an easy toddler who understood everything that was happening, but they all made memories that day, they all had fun, and they all make my life richer, fuller, happier and more meaningful.  

I'm happy to say that at the end of the day when we went home, my little Jakey was calm and good for the fist time that day.  It took all day, but he came around.  At one point he was playing with his cars on the floor and we made eye contact.  I stretched out my arms, and he dropped his things and ran to me as fast as his chubby legs would let him, to give me a hug.  All the hard work with him that day  paid off with that little but meaningful moment.  I could feel the perfect love my little boy had for me.  It was a wonderful Easter after all.  Not because it turned out the way I'd imagined it, but because I learned something about myself, and because that hug was perfect.  The love I had for him in that moment, combined with the love I felt he had for me, was just like feeling the Saviors love. I hope that like my little boy, that after all the grumpy and bad days I have, that it will be the Savior that will open his arms to me and I can run to him at the end of the day and feel that perfect, mutual love.  I'm glad that the real meaning of Easter can remind me of that. Happy Easter!!!

As a mother, attitude is everything

I never thought I'd say this, but I'm actually enjoying this pregnancy.  I've never enjoyed a pregnancy in my life.  I've always hated being pregnant.  I love the pay off, but being pregnant has always been tough on me physically, emotionally, and mentally.  In the past, I've described it as being tortured for an entire year.
I'm not saying that this is an easy pregnancy, perhaps its because I know what to expect because I just went through this, but it's actually been easier to get pregnant within the first year of my recent babies life than to wait two or three years like I did with my last three.  I still have hormones, but I have a great routine that helps me out, and like I mentioned earlier, for me, exercise makes an incredible difference, even if it's just a walk.
It's hard not to be hard on myself when I'm pregnant and look in the mirror.  In the past my brain hurt when I saw my reflection and I would think, "I'm NOT supposed to look like that! I am a giant rhino with long hair and makeup!!!"  I've taken on a new attitude lately though, I look in the mirror and I think, "This is exactly what's supposed to happen to me, this is a miracle.  This is a blessing. My body is doing just what it's supposed to, and it's beautiful, and I'm thankful for it."  Having this mind frame makes a difference.  People say it all the time, but it's true.  Attitude is everything. Especially as a mother.  Cheesy, even annoying to admit at times, but it's true. Happiness is a choice.

Five and a half months pregnant with Jake

I'm learning all the time how important optimism and positivity are, whenever anything unhappy comes into my mind.  It's strange because I honestly thought I mastered this skill as a missionary.  I had my brain wired to push out negativity whenever it came into view as a missionary, because I could not teach with the spirit when I didn't. Somehow, over the years when I came back home it started to creep back in once and a while.  Maybe it's because I didn't have the constant help of the spirit as a missionary, maybe it's because the world is so much more distracting when your life is not dedicated to teaching the gospel 24 hours a day, but it crept back in.  Not all the time, but with different challenges as a "grown up" it crept back in.  Maybe it's just harder to keep out because the real world is hard, but dangit I'm going to fight it every day.  I have to.  My quality of life depends on it.
It's funny how those thoughts creep in there too.  Crystal takes dance classes at our local athletic city center, and while I'm there waiting for her, I put the kids in the stroller, and walk around the track to get some exercise for the hour she's there.  Three days ago while I was doing this, I started to get annoyed because I felt tired.  I'm used to the runners lapping me, but even some of the speed walkers were lapping me too.  I was annoyed because I couldn't walk as fast as them, I was annoyed because there were little 10 year old kids who could lap me too.  I started to have negative thoughts about how out of shape I am because of this pregnancy, and how I was lame for not being able to keep up with them.  Then I realized, I was pushing a huge, bulky double stroller.  The stroller alone is at least 10-15 pounds, plus my two boys who were in the stroller, one about 25 pounds and the other about 35 pounds.  There was also a huge diaper bag full of drinks, snacks, wipes, toys, etc that had to be another 7-10 pounds.  Also, minor detail, but being six months pregnant, I get braxton hicks contractions all the time, along with what feels like pulled groin muscles when I walk sometimes.  With all that work, I was still there on the track doing my best.  What the crap did I have to feel negative about?  With that in mind it was easy to smile at the people lapping me and feel good about myself, because my perspective had changed.  I stopped being comparing and competitive and felt grateful for what I can do and the abilities I do have.
Being able to enjoy the little things is a huge part of feeling good.  Another great thing is the time of year I've gotten pregnant this time around.  I'm always happier when the sun is out, and now that it's springtime, I love going outside and just breathing in the fresh air and feeling the sun on my skin.  It makes all the difference. It gives me energy.  Last night we opened the patio door and just had the screen door between the house and outside, and all the fresh air filling my house put me in the best mood ever, the smell of springtime reminds me of night games and staying out late with my friends as a kid.
       The thing that makes me the happiest though, is that I know this is worth it.  Not only is it worth it, but it was my decision to go through with it even though I knew it would be hard.  I was prepared for this to be my hardest pregnancy ever (because they take a bigger toll on my body every time) and instead, it's been my most enjoyable.  Oh the pain is still there, just today I pulled some muscle in my inner thigh chasing my one year old outside, to keep him from getting hit in the face by a kid swinging on a swing.  (It still hurts, and it's been 4 hours) but I was able to smile about it.  My two friends, who were there with me, told me that they couldn't believe that I was pregnant, and chasing a baby and watching my older two at the same time, and that they didn't know how I could handle it.  I told them that for me, the secret has been that I stopped thinking about "how to handle it" and I just do. A lot of what makes things stressful  is thinking about them. I do this not only  because I have to, but also because I choose to.  Understanding that this is my choice has made all the difference.

More than anything, I'm able to have a good, happy, fulfilling attitude, because of the enabling power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  Since my favorite holiday, Easter is coming up, it always causes me to think about the atonement a little bit more, and how it applies to my every day life.  It's easy to think of the atonement as the ability to be forgiven of sins, and the ability to overcome trials, but honestly, it's so much more than that.  The more I understand the atonement the more I realize that it's applies to every day things, like the way I choose to see difficult situations, the way I apply my willpower, the way I can choose to do something good every day that I don't initially feel like doing, and the fact that instead of wishing for hard situations to go away, I've realized that through the atonement, that I shouldn't wish for those things to go away, I just need to ask for the strength to do them.  Forgiveness of sins, and comfort in suffering are a big part of the atonement, but so is every day motivation, like unclogging the dang toilet for the thousandth dang time because my son is going through a "lets put fun things in the toilet and then flush" phase; and then looking into his eyes and smiling face, and realizing how lucky I am to have a little guy like him, even if he can't leave the toilet alone.  (Just an example.)

Sure I have days that are better than others.  Every once and a while I feel myself feeling a little burnt out at the end of the day, but just like when I was a missionary, I can honestly say, something that I used to write my parents frequently:  "I've never been so tired and so happy at the same time."  As a missionary, I don't think I realized that that feeling was so incredibly similar to what motherhood feels like, if not identical.  (The tired and happy part at least...motherhood is even better than my mission in so many ways.) Also, if I have a hard day, guess what?  I can try again tomorrow, and tomorrow will be better, because I choose to make it better. Not easier, there is no easy when it comes to being a mother, but better. I love being a mother.

As a disclaimer, I just want to say that I'm not trying to pat myself on the back, I'm just letting you know how I've found inner peace, and inner strength to magnify my calling as a mother.   These beautiful children I've been given, are God's children, and he's trusting me to raise them, love them, help them, nurture them, and teach them; and I love that I can look anyone in the eye and let them know that I'm honored to do it, and that having my little family in my life is worth it.
 Before I end this post, I just want to share a specific quote that Elder Bednar uses when he talks about the atonement and how it applies to motherhood, because I absolutely love what he says,  so I'm going to share it here:

"The greatest lessons I have learned about the enabling power have come from the quiet example of my wife in our own home. I watched her persevere through intense and continuous morning sickness and vomiting during each of her three pregnancies. She literally was sick all day every day for eight months with each pregnancy. That challenge was never removed from her. But together we prayed that she would be strengthened, and she indeed was blessed through the enabling power of the Atonement to do physically what in her own power she could not do. Sister Bednar is a remarkably capable and competent woman, and over the years I have seen how she has been magnified to handle the mocking and scorn that come from a secular society when a Latter-day Saint woman heeds prophetic counsel and makes the family and home and the nurturing of children her highest priorities. In today’s world a righteous woman and mother in Zion will need both priesthood support and the enabling power of the Atonement. I thank and pay tribute to Susan for helping me to learn such invaluable lessons."

The whole talk is about the Atonement and the way we choose to use it in our daily lives.  It's a great talk for people to read this time of year when they think about the blessing of the Atonement this Easter Sunday.  If you have time, I highly reccommend it. You can read it here:
http://speeches.byu.edu/?act=viewitem&id=251

I hope you all have a wonderful Easter.