As a mother, attitude is everything

I never thought I'd say this, but I'm actually enjoying this pregnancy.  I've never enjoyed a pregnancy in my life.  I've always hated being pregnant.  I love the pay off, but being pregnant has always been tough on me physically, emotionally, and mentally.  In the past, I've described it as being tortured for an entire year.
I'm not saying that this is an easy pregnancy, perhaps its because I know what to expect because I just went through this, but it's actually been easier to get pregnant within the first year of my recent babies life than to wait two or three years like I did with my last three.  I still have hormones, but I have a great routine that helps me out, and like I mentioned earlier, for me, exercise makes an incredible difference, even if it's just a walk.
It's hard not to be hard on myself when I'm pregnant and look in the mirror.  In the past my brain hurt when I saw my reflection and I would think, "I'm NOT supposed to look like that! I am a giant rhino with long hair and makeup!!!"  I've taken on a new attitude lately though, I look in the mirror and I think, "This is exactly what's supposed to happen to me, this is a miracle.  This is a blessing. My body is doing just what it's supposed to, and it's beautiful, and I'm thankful for it."  Having this mind frame makes a difference.  People say it all the time, but it's true.  Attitude is everything. Especially as a mother.  Cheesy, even annoying to admit at times, but it's true. Happiness is a choice.

Five and a half months pregnant with Jake

I'm learning all the time how important optimism and positivity are, whenever anything unhappy comes into my mind.  It's strange because I honestly thought I mastered this skill as a missionary.  I had my brain wired to push out negativity whenever it came into view as a missionary, because I could not teach with the spirit when I didn't. Somehow, over the years when I came back home it started to creep back in once and a while.  Maybe it's because I didn't have the constant help of the spirit as a missionary, maybe it's because the world is so much more distracting when your life is not dedicated to teaching the gospel 24 hours a day, but it crept back in.  Not all the time, but with different challenges as a "grown up" it crept back in.  Maybe it's just harder to keep out because the real world is hard, but dangit I'm going to fight it every day.  I have to.  My quality of life depends on it.
It's funny how those thoughts creep in there too.  Crystal takes dance classes at our local athletic city center, and while I'm there waiting for her, I put the kids in the stroller, and walk around the track to get some exercise for the hour she's there.  Three days ago while I was doing this, I started to get annoyed because I felt tired.  I'm used to the runners lapping me, but even some of the speed walkers were lapping me too.  I was annoyed because I couldn't walk as fast as them, I was annoyed because there were little 10 year old kids who could lap me too.  I started to have negative thoughts about how out of shape I am because of this pregnancy, and how I was lame for not being able to keep up with them.  Then I realized, I was pushing a huge, bulky double stroller.  The stroller alone is at least 10-15 pounds, plus my two boys who were in the stroller, one about 25 pounds and the other about 35 pounds.  There was also a huge diaper bag full of drinks, snacks, wipes, toys, etc that had to be another 7-10 pounds.  Also, minor detail, but being six months pregnant, I get braxton hicks contractions all the time, along with what feels like pulled groin muscles when I walk sometimes.  With all that work, I was still there on the track doing my best.  What the crap did I have to feel negative about?  With that in mind it was easy to smile at the people lapping me and feel good about myself, because my perspective had changed.  I stopped being comparing and competitive and felt grateful for what I can do and the abilities I do have.
Being able to enjoy the little things is a huge part of feeling good.  Another great thing is the time of year I've gotten pregnant this time around.  I'm always happier when the sun is out, and now that it's springtime, I love going outside and just breathing in the fresh air and feeling the sun on my skin.  It makes all the difference. It gives me energy.  Last night we opened the patio door and just had the screen door between the house and outside, and all the fresh air filling my house put me in the best mood ever, the smell of springtime reminds me of night games and staying out late with my friends as a kid.
       The thing that makes me the happiest though, is that I know this is worth it.  Not only is it worth it, but it was my decision to go through with it even though I knew it would be hard.  I was prepared for this to be my hardest pregnancy ever (because they take a bigger toll on my body every time) and instead, it's been my most enjoyable.  Oh the pain is still there, just today I pulled some muscle in my inner thigh chasing my one year old outside, to keep him from getting hit in the face by a kid swinging on a swing.  (It still hurts, and it's been 4 hours) but I was able to smile about it.  My two friends, who were there with me, told me that they couldn't believe that I was pregnant, and chasing a baby and watching my older two at the same time, and that they didn't know how I could handle it.  I told them that for me, the secret has been that I stopped thinking about "how to handle it" and I just do. A lot of what makes things stressful  is thinking about them. I do this not only  because I have to, but also because I choose to.  Understanding that this is my choice has made all the difference.

More than anything, I'm able to have a good, happy, fulfilling attitude, because of the enabling power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  Since my favorite holiday, Easter is coming up, it always causes me to think about the atonement a little bit more, and how it applies to my every day life.  It's easy to think of the atonement as the ability to be forgiven of sins, and the ability to overcome trials, but honestly, it's so much more than that.  The more I understand the atonement the more I realize that it's applies to every day things, like the way I choose to see difficult situations, the way I apply my willpower, the way I can choose to do something good every day that I don't initially feel like doing, and the fact that instead of wishing for hard situations to go away, I've realized that through the atonement, that I shouldn't wish for those things to go away, I just need to ask for the strength to do them.  Forgiveness of sins, and comfort in suffering are a big part of the atonement, but so is every day motivation, like unclogging the dang toilet for the thousandth dang time because my son is going through a "lets put fun things in the toilet and then flush" phase; and then looking into his eyes and smiling face, and realizing how lucky I am to have a little guy like him, even if he can't leave the toilet alone.  (Just an example.)

Sure I have days that are better than others.  Every once and a while I feel myself feeling a little burnt out at the end of the day, but just like when I was a missionary, I can honestly say, something that I used to write my parents frequently:  "I've never been so tired and so happy at the same time."  As a missionary, I don't think I realized that that feeling was so incredibly similar to what motherhood feels like, if not identical.  (The tired and happy part at least...motherhood is even better than my mission in so many ways.) Also, if I have a hard day, guess what?  I can try again tomorrow, and tomorrow will be better, because I choose to make it better. Not easier, there is no easy when it comes to being a mother, but better. I love being a mother.

As a disclaimer, I just want to say that I'm not trying to pat myself on the back, I'm just letting you know how I've found inner peace, and inner strength to magnify my calling as a mother.   These beautiful children I've been given, are God's children, and he's trusting me to raise them, love them, help them, nurture them, and teach them; and I love that I can look anyone in the eye and let them know that I'm honored to do it, and that having my little family in my life is worth it.
 Before I end this post, I just want to share a specific quote that Elder Bednar uses when he talks about the atonement and how it applies to motherhood, because I absolutely love what he says,  so I'm going to share it here:

"The greatest lessons I have learned about the enabling power have come from the quiet example of my wife in our own home. I watched her persevere through intense and continuous morning sickness and vomiting during each of her three pregnancies. She literally was sick all day every day for eight months with each pregnancy. That challenge was never removed from her. But together we prayed that she would be strengthened, and she indeed was blessed through the enabling power of the Atonement to do physically what in her own power she could not do. Sister Bednar is a remarkably capable and competent woman, and over the years I have seen how she has been magnified to handle the mocking and scorn that come from a secular society when a Latter-day Saint woman heeds prophetic counsel and makes the family and home and the nurturing of children her highest priorities. In today’s world a righteous woman and mother in Zion will need both priesthood support and the enabling power of the Atonement. I thank and pay tribute to Susan for helping me to learn such invaluable lessons."

The whole talk is about the Atonement and the way we choose to use it in our daily lives.  It's a great talk for people to read this time of year when they think about the blessing of the Atonement this Easter Sunday.  If you have time, I highly reccommend it. You can read it here:
http://speeches.byu.edu/?act=viewitem&id=251

I hope you all have a wonderful Easter.