Being Thankful

If you know me, you know I hate bandwagons; meaning I hate doing something just because everyone else does it. I prefer to do things because I feel like doing it, not because I feel pressured, or want to join in.
Every November on Facebook, people do "thankful countdowns" and every day they type something they are thankful for as their Facebook status.  Sometimes it's for simple things like a new outfit, other times it's for their family or life in general.  I'm not saying being thankful is bad.  I would much rather see somebody say something positive on facebook for a change, than complain about their spouse, or work, or their kids, which I see almost every day no matter what time of year it is.
My problem is when I see people who do their usual complaining on Facebook every single dang day, magically turn thankful on the exact same days that all their friends are thankful, then as soon as black friday hits, go back to being selfish and shoving people out of their way so they can save 50 bucks on a stereo at Best Buy.  I don't like people who aren't genuine.  Even if someones opinions are the exact opposite of mine, I respect them more for being themselves than just jumping on a bandwagon.  Whether it's religion, politics, or thanksgiving. I don't like fake people.  Please!  Be yourself! 
So unlike a lot of the facebook world lately, I've avoided expressing thanks out of stubbornness.  The same way I avoid proclaiming a new years resolution on New years eve, and the same way I refuse to repost 90 percent of the day's most popular link that is getting passed around on facebook that day.  Maybe I'm the one with the problem, but at least I'm being myself while having said problem.
Anyway,  in spite of it all, I do think being thankful is one of the most important things we can be as human beings here on this earth.  Not just thankful because we're supposed to be, but feeling genuinely humbled at the amout of goodness that we have in our lives.  I had the opportunity to feel that this week.
Like most of the general crowd, I've always considered myself a thankful person.  Of course I'm thankful for my family, of course I'm thankful for my husbands job, of course I'm thankful for a roof over my head and clothes to wear and food to eat and a functioning body.  Of course...
but...
I think it had been a little while since I had truly felt humbled at the blessings God has given me at this time in my life. Not just, "it's nice to have this," but "Wow. How on earth did I get so lucky...and why does an insignificant person like me have this kind of access to happiness?"  Thanks to a dear childhood friend of mine, I remembered those feelings this week.
This Monday, I got on facebook as usual and was slightly bored at the same things being written over and over again. Then I came across some really really bad news.
Two days ago, the husband of a girl I grew up with woke up one morning, went to work, and then randomly collapsed at a work meeting while giving a presentation.  His heart just stopped beating.  So far nobody knows why even though doctors are trying to figure that out. It was the most random, horrible, shocking tragedy.  Just like that, he was gone.  This old friend of mine was someone I had known since I was just a kid.  We went to church together, lived near each other, and because we were in Young Women's together we often went camping, hiking, biking, dancing, singing, etc. in the same group of girls at the same activities.  She is hilarious, fun, and full of life.  She is one of the genuine people that I spoke of earlier, someone I admire and someone who has made me smile many times.  I haven't seen her in person in years.  Not since she was pregnant with her first child.  We both have four children.  She is only a few months younger than me.  Her husband was also very young.  When I heard the news I felt a pit in my stomach.  I felt physically sick, and I went to bed in tears.  Partially tears of sorrow for her loss, and also tears of anger at how colossally unfair it all seemed.  I couldn't help but think about how angry and bitter I would feel in her position, and even though I wished her well and sent my condolences to her like many others, in part I felt almost unworthy to do so, because I couldn't see how anything anyone would or could say would help me if it were me in her position.  Either way, I wasn't saying it to make it better, I just wanted her to know that even though it's been years, that I care.  I care a great deal, and my heart hurts because of her loss. 
I then thought of all the things that I complain about.  It's no secret that this sudden change in my life of moving across the country and adjusting to a fourth baby at the same time have stressed me out.  I've moved into a smaller home, the heat hasn't been working here as it should, the sink started leaking, my baby is congested due to the cold in our house, and my daughter is terribly homesick for her best friend in Utah. In the midst of dealing with two babies so close in age and trying to adjust, I've been asked to teach the 3 year old kids at my church, kids who need constant attention and usually end up in your lap...except that I already have a baby that I'm still nursing who will be taking up that lap.  Somehow I have to figure out how to be an effective teacher to these little sunbeams even though I'm still figuring out how to be an effective mother to my own younger two children who are only a year apart, and who still end up on my lap during church because one is an infant, and the other occasionally gets escorted out of nursery because he's wild.  Due to all these little hiccups, I've complained, and I've complained more than I should. I've been frustrated, and at times I've felt overwhelmed and just tired from the lack of sleep because I'm still waking up to nurse Sammy.
Then when I saw what this dear old friend dealt with on the same day that I was thinking these negative thoughts, all those things that seemed like such a big deal seemed to have just melted away and revealed nothing but my own selfish stupidity.  My friend lost her husband this week.  He left for work, having no clue that it was going to be the last morning he was going to say goodbye to his wife and kids.  Thanksgiving and Christmas are just around the corner, and my dear friend and her four children are going to be without him this year.  I sobbed that night at what a selfish person I am.  I sobbed because it's so unfair that my friend has to go through this, and I was so angry when I saw someone write that "God must think you're strong enough to handle this." on her wall. I wanted to scream, NOBODY is strong enough to handle the loss of someone they love, they're just forced to do it.  And even though, I too, expressed how sorry I was, I couldn't help but think that if I were in her position, how angry I'd be at how "sorry" people are that I was dealing with something that they weren't. 
With all those feelings, that once again, were negative, this same friend taught me something.  Again, she taught me about attitude and thankfulness, this time, by expressing her own.  In the same 24 hours that she experienced this sudden loss, she posted a picture of the temple.  A picture she took herself as she was walking through the doors hand in hand with her husband 4 days earlier before the loss of his life.  She wrote about how that day, four days earlier, she and her husband had been speaking and acknowledged to each other  that they knew they were part of something eternal, that they were sealed forever, no matter what.  She then expressed thanks for that knowledge.  With that short, beautiful testimony, she once again humbled me beyond words.  Here I was thinking about how angry, bitter and shortchanged I would feel in her position, and she expressed words of thankfulness for what she shared with her husband in this life, and what she will share with him in the next.  She took the opportunity to bless others lives with expressing her knowledge of a God that loves us all, and has a plan for us even when bad things happen.  She is an example to me of what real gratitude is, and has taught me a valuable lesson about the kind of person I want to be.  I want to be the kind of person who can express gratitude even when the most unexpected terrible things happen.  I want to be the kind of person who knows that if we endure our trials well, that there is happiness around the corner.  I want to be the kind of person who can prove to the world, that you don't have to be frustrated, bitter and angry even when you may have every right to be.  I want to be like her.  Not only am I thankful for my life today, but I'm thankful for the examples of others who are better than me to teach me how to be humble, and how to be more thankful. I'm thankful for this woman, who've I've purposely not named, because she has no clue that I'm writing this, and I figure it's better that way.  I'm mostly writing this for myself, because I learned a valuable lesson this week, and I've been reminded of what I have, and what it really means to be thankful.  I love my life, and I'm embarrassed that I've been so frustrated lately, but I'm thankful for the opportunity to prove that I can be better, that I can try harder, and I can be happier.  I'm thankful because I have the opportunity to smile every day, at the wonderful life I live with the wonderful people in it.  I'm thankful because I CAN be thankful.